I Miss Us

There are so many things that are going wrong right now. I wish I could talk to him; I wish he would talk back. I keep everything inside because I never know if I should say anything or not. I never know if he’s going to find something in my voice, in my words, in my body language, that he finds offensive and blows up at me or starts punching more holes in the doors and walls. I want to yell. I want to scream. I want to plead with him to listen to me--to hear me. Instead, while he’s raging, I’m crying. I sit there like an idiot in front of him, speechless. What are you supposed to say when someone is talking about killing himself, or the neighbors, or when they’re punching or kicking holes in doors?
I know that he’s upset. I know all the reasoning behind his depression. It’s still no excuse to treat me like either I don’t exist at all, or like I’m not important to him. Sometimes I would rather he just let me go than put me through this kind of hell. I don’t want to be the one to say goodbye, but I’m coming closer and closer to the time when I have to make that decision…or else I’ll end up stuck here, in a loveless relationship with no hopes at all of ever getting married and starting a family. By the time I become smart enough to have the guts to leave, I’ll be too old. No one will want me. I’ll have to make due with what I have, and by that time, he’ll probably not want anything at all to do with me on a daily basis.

I need to feel loved. Instead, I’m accused of being angry, upset, depressed. Why can’t I feel those emotions without also feeling guilt for feeling them? It’s okay if he’s angry, upset, or depressed, but Lord forbid if I am! I feel like I don’t belong here anymore. We’ve ended up so far from where we began. Too far. Now there’s this chasm between us. I don’t know how to bridge the gap. We aren’t even friends anymore. He used to be my best friend. We’re barely roommates. We pass in the kitchen and don’t even touch or talk. The only things we ever say to each other are when he talks about his job or hating this area, and I tell him that his mother called or ask him to please take something to the post office. These are things that I would talk to my grandmother about…not my lover. We should be discussing our future, planning for our own home, holding each other at night. Instead, he sleeps on the couch and leaves the bed to me and Molly. I get so lonely there, by myself. There’s no one to curl up next to when it gets cold.

I miss so many things about our relationship, but I think the thing I miss the most is our closeness. We were. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, and I know that that fades. It’s just the way things go. However, it shouldn’t fade that quickly. We’ve only been together for a little over two years. We should still be in the “honeymoon” phase. We used to lie on the couch together and watch movies. Of course, we couldn’t ever get through a whole movie. Instead, we wanted to kiss, and touch, and fondle. We didn’t have sex for nearly two months after we met, because we just didn’t think it was that important. I don’t even mind that we haven’t had sex in 7 months. What I mind is that we haven’t touched in as many months. He doesn’t act like he even misses it.

When the Boat Sinks

It's funny how one thing...one simple, little thing...can make those hard decisions seem easy. I hadn't exactly made up my mind to leave him until yesterday. We were driving to Sherman on and errand. He wanted to buy a new smoker and there wasn't anywhere close enough that he was comfortable buying it from, so we drove for two hours to go to Academy. On the way there, he started hounding me about my credit. It's not great...but it's not bad. Since he has absolutely perfect credit, he gets nervous about mine. This is not, however, a conversation that two people should have inside of a car. There's no escape. When the anger builds and builds, neither of you can run away from it. You can't even let each other breathe for a minute. You can only roll the window down and pray to God that you end up in a car wreck, thereby ending the agony you feel at the moment.
He told me, quite forcefully, that he WILL be married one day, and he WILL have a child, and if I can't get my shit together, then it's NOT going to be with me. O.K.A.Y. Wow.

Honestly, who doesn't have a little debt these days? The economy sucks, you can't get loans for anything. The job market is horrible. I've got some bad news for him. I will probably have debt until I die. My student loans are already piling up at an alarming rate, and they will continue to do so for many years to come, since I plan on continuing my education into my PhD. I will ALWAYS be making a payment on something, whether it's those, or a car loan, or a mortgage. I can't pay cash for everything...hence...debt.

So, really the only thing I have left to say to him is.....when the boat sinks and he's standing on deck waiting to save up enough cash for a new one, I'll be swimming to the shore.

My list of mythical creatures: dragons, wizards, unicorns, trolls.....good men.

Online Friendship

I have a friend. I don't have many friends because most people don't "get" me. I have different ideas, morals and values than anyone else is used to. I'm also extremely kind, caring and generous. People generally aren't used to that. I'm articulate and express myself well. When I find someone that understands me, I usually jump at the chance to make a new friend.

Jeff is awesome. He's married with three little girls, and we hit it off immediately. We talk about books, movies, music and life. We seem to be on the same wavelength and usually finish each other's sentences. We just e-mail back and forth and talk on yahoo messenger. It's nice to have someone that seems to understand me, or at least sympathize with my situation. I know I've got my girl friends and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for them, but sometimes I need a guy's perspective...and Jeff provides that.

I like this new friendship. Even though we will probably never meet, it's nice to know that there's a man out there that actually gives a damn...when Matt doesn't.

Me, Molly, and the Vet

What a day yesterday was! Exhausting. I was up at 5:30 to have Molly to the vet by 8:00. We live an hour away, so it was even worse. It's not like I could just jump in the car and go. Did I pack a book to read while I'm waiting? Did I pack her water? Should I take her something to chew on? Do I need my checkbook or is a debit card okay? How the hell am I going to stay on my diet if I have to eat out all day long?

It was a nightmare. Molly did good, at least. Mommy was a wreck. I almost cried when the nurse took her away. I gave kisses and hugs, and told her I'd be right here when she woke up. She was in surgery until after noon. Then we still weren't allowed to see her until she was out of recovery, which was around 2:00. Since she was up and walking around, we were allowed to take her home an hour before they said we'd be able to. My baby heals fast! (I guess) She was pretty doped up on pain meds, and they had to put her on a heart rate monitor because of her breathing problems, but she came through just fine. I wanted them to check her ears, too, because they've been stinking. We found out she has mild otitis (which is a fancy doctor-word for ear infection) and we've got some lotion/drops to put in her ear twice a day. They also clipped her nails, so she got the full treatment. She's grown too! When they put her on the scale, she weighed 27.8 pounds! The last time we took her to the vet-when she got her rabies shot-she was only 15.
I feel so bad for her. She's sleeping next to me on the couch right now. I have to make sure that she doesn't run and jump and play. We don't want her to pull out a stitch or get a hernia. I have to carry her outside to go potty because she isn't supposed to access any stairs. She can't eat and drink excessively; only in small amounts. She slept right beside me all night long....mainly because I slept on the couch. She can't sleep in the bed right now because it's too tall, and I don't want her jumping down in the middle of the night and hurting herself. So, to make it more comfortable for her, I slept on the couch. Matt was so worried about her that he didn't even sleep in the bed, either. He unrolled his sleeping bag on the floor in the living room....so it was a regular family camping trip last night!

While Molly was in recovery yesterday, I went shopping. I found two pairs of jeans in a size smaller than I usually wear, so woo-hoo! I really AM losing weight! I also got a new shirt, two new books, a few goodies from Bath & Body Works and some scrapbooking supplies from Hobby Lobby. I need to get some pictures copied so that I can start some scrapbooks. I'm pretty excited about my goodies from yesterday, but the worry and stress over Molly is over-riding my excitement right now. Hopefully, once she starts feeling better I'll be able to fully embrace the excitement over my weight loss.

Seasons of My Life

Landslide by Stevie Nicks is one of my favorite songs. The WORDS are just so real. It's exactly how I'm feeling right now.

"I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
and I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til the landslide brought me down

oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
can the child in my heart rise above?
can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing
cause I built my life around you
but time makes us bolder
even children get older
and I'm getting older too (repeat 2x)

I'm getting older too

so, take this love
take it down
if you climb a mountain and you turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
well, the landslide will bring it down

down

if you see my relection in the snow covered hills

well, maybe, the landslide will bring it down

the landslide will bring it down"

Stevie Nicks is one of my FAVORITE artists. This song makes me think of love and loss. These two human emotions are the strongest, I believe. I'm rambling, I know, but I'm feeling very....nostalgic tonight. I'm confused about ME. I'm confused about what I want, who I am, where I'm at, who I'm WITH. I know that I should be fighting, fighting HARD for the kind of love Matt and I have, but sometimes "the landslide will bring it down". I can't fight if he surrenders.

Unoriginal

I took a friend's advice (Thanks Brittany) and told Matt that, yes, I loved my coffee mug, BUT I really would have loved to have something a little more "traditional" for Valentine's day (aka, flowers, chocolate, jewelry). He said, and I quote, "I THOUGHT about all those things, but then I realized that they really aren't very original. I wanted to get you something that you could say, "Well, that's Matt."" I can DEFINITELY say that, honey! It reminds me of a story I heard a few years back. A friend of a friend was dating a guy that was really into his car. For Valentine's Day one year, he bought her two new tires....for HER side of HIS car! What exactly do you say to that gift?
Matt's co-worker also had a very "original" gift for his wife this Valentine's Day. Him and Matt were shopping together. If they wouldn't have been, I fear I may not have received ANYTHING. Anyhow, Chance (Matt's friend/co-worker) walked up to the register while Matt was buying my coffee mug with.....a birdhouse. His wife got a new birdhouse for Valentine's Day! The best part of that is, he bought it because HE wanted it!

Well, I least I can USE my gift! I'm drinking coffee from my mug right now. She gets to have bird's shit all over her gift! Now THAT'S original!

New Love

I was grocery shopping (compulsively again) the other day when I was travelling down the canned food asile, and came across the applesauce. I'm not a huge fan of plain applesauce, so imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw....FLAVORS. Not just your regular cinnamon, either! Mango-Peach, Pear, and Strawberry. What a surprise! I haven't tried the other two yet, but the Mango-Peach is my new love!!! DELISH!

Men Just Don't Get It

What's so hard about knowing what a woman wants? Really. We're actually pretty simple. We want affection, understanding, sympathy. We want to be held and left alone. We want to be able to cry without a man constantly asking 'what's wrong?' or 'what did I do?'
For Christmas we want more than a flashlight. For our anniversary, we want more than, well....nothing. For Valentine's Day, we want more than a coffee mug. Okay, I'll give it to him. It was a very nice coffee mug. It's hand crafted and made with Oklahoma clay, and painted with non-lead based paint. Nice right? Why can't I get flowers??? I know that they die, but they're pretty while they last. Why can't I get chocolate? I know I'm on a "diet" and that I would sit and eat the whole box, but it still tastes good. Why can't I get a spa gift certificate? I haven't been to the spa in a few years. It would feel really great to get a massage and a facial. Better yet, why can't I get that engagement ring that I've been waiting on for two years????
I get a coffee mug. For Valentines Day. It's not even pink. Or red. It's green. What exactly is a coffee mug supposed to symbolize? I really don't think Matt has a clue.
So, while he's sitting here watching one of the THREE James Bond movies I got for him for V-Day, I'm sitting on the opposite couch typing what an insensitive ASS I think he's being. The thing is, I think he really means well. He just doesn't get it.

I Have Enough Friends, Thanks!

I can't stand it when salesgirls try to be your friend. Yesterday, while I was out running errands, I stopped into a couple stores to buy a few new clothes. I went into this one place, where I swear, corporate must send these girls off to a seminar on 'How to Be Your Customer's Friend'. One called me 'sweetheart'. I felt like telling her, "HONEY, I'm old enough to be your big sister!" The other one walked around calling me 'girl'. Really, how demeaning is that? "Girl, that will look great on you!" "Girl, you want me to put that bag behind the counter while you shop?" NO! I want you to stop calling me girl! And, if I didn't want to hold my bag, I would have taken it to the car. It's not really THAT long of a walk! Mental note: never return to that store!

Mother Teresa?

This is Molly. Molly loves to sleep underneath the blankets. In fact, when it's bedtime, she'll jump on the bed and paw at the blankets. If I don't lift them up immediately, she'll look at me, tilt her head to the side, making her big, long ears flop all over the place, asking "What's wrong with you? Can't you see that I'm cold?" So, I lift up the blankets and she burrows underneath, all the way to my feet. In the morning, she gets up, shakes, and goes to the couch, where she continues to sleep....underneath the blanket.

Random Things You Probably Didn't Know

1. I lead a diet/weightloss team online with over 27000 members.

2. I would rather clean the toilet than do the dishes.

3. I have three part-time jobs.

4. I love to sleep, and whenever the alarm goes off, no matter WHAT time it is, it angers me!

5. I can't stand making my bed, but before I crawl in every night, I have to fix the covers from the night before. It drives me NUTS when my feet poke out from the bottom.

6. I love lip gloss. I love it so much that I collect it, like someone would stamps or coins. I don't use it all. I can't. I have too much, but it's an obsession. I can't stop. HELP.

7. I really love to take baths, but I like the water so hot that I almost can't stand it. I like it when my skin turns red. Unfortunately, I get it so hot that I can only stay in for about 10 minutes. Then I'm done.

8. I find older male movie stars much more attractive than the newer age stars. Men like Cary Grant, Gregory Peck and Sean Connery were really good looking when they were young.

9. I'm a compulsive grocery shopper. I always go to the store hungry, and buy nearly everything I see that looks like I may eat it. I usually spend more money on food than I do on shoes. And I spend a lot on shoes.

10. I'm a list-maker. I love grocery lists, to-do lists, and any other kind of list. I write it all down, then I re-write it. Then I place little check marks or smiley faces next to something when I complete it.

11. I love to cook. I don't do it often enough, because Matt doesn't like to eat healthy foods, and it's really difficult cooking only for one, but I find that the simple act of cooking really calms and relaxes me.

12. If it was up to me, every room in my house would be lit up with candles. Matt thinks I'm going to burn down the house one day.

13. I love to practice yoga.

14. I used to think that I was ready to get married, and I would definitely say "YES" if Matt asked, but sometimes I ask myself if there's something else out there for me.

15. I can change my own oil, my own tires, and my own brakes.

16. I have a savings account that my boyfriend knows nothing about. My own little nest egg.

17. With a few exceptions, I hate other women. Girls are petty, insecure, backstabbing, bitches.

18. I love costume jewelry. Big fake gemstone rings are my favorite.

19. If I was building my own home (I will one day), I would build it in the Spanish adobe style. The inside would be decorated with the crazy colors too...blues, reds, yellows.

20. I get really excited when the time comes to change the page on the calendar.

21. My birthday no longer makes me happy. When did this happen????

22. I hate to drink. There are occasions when I wouldn't mind getting smashed on either wine or vodka and cranberry juice. A good margarita is always okay, too. But, for the most part, I hate to drink.

23. I'm scared to lose weight. I know I'd look great if I lost more than I already have, but I'm terrified of also losing my curves. I love my curves. My boobs would shrink too, and I really don't want those to go!

24. I think that Chuck Norris ROCKS!

25. If you talk to me within two hours of my waking up, or before I've had my coffee, you will get yelled at. I'm a morning grouch.

26. I hate talking on the phone. This has probably led to the reason I only have a handful of friends.

27. I have two dogs. Poncho is a Blue Heeler mix, and Molly is a beagle.

28. I absolutely LOVE brownies, and will eat a whole pan of them by myself if allowed.

29. When I cook, I don't measure. This has come from a about 20 years of experience. I can "guesstimate" pretty well.

30. I practice yoga. I love the way that it "centers" me.