I Miss Us

There are so many things that are going wrong right now. I wish I could talk to him; I wish he would talk back. I keep everything inside because I never know if I should say anything or not. I never know if he’s going to find something in my voice, in my words, in my body language, that he finds offensive and blows up at me or starts punching more holes in the doors and walls. I want to yell. I want to scream. I want to plead with him to listen to me--to hear me. Instead, while he’s raging, I’m crying. I sit there like an idiot in front of him, speechless. What are you supposed to say when someone is talking about killing himself, or the neighbors, or when they’re punching or kicking holes in doors?
I know that he’s upset. I know all the reasoning behind his depression. It’s still no excuse to treat me like either I don’t exist at all, or like I’m not important to him. Sometimes I would rather he just let me go than put me through this kind of hell. I don’t want to be the one to say goodbye, but I’m coming closer and closer to the time when I have to make that decision…or else I’ll end up stuck here, in a loveless relationship with no hopes at all of ever getting married and starting a family. By the time I become smart enough to have the guts to leave, I’ll be too old. No one will want me. I’ll have to make due with what I have, and by that time, he’ll probably not want anything at all to do with me on a daily basis.

I need to feel loved. Instead, I’m accused of being angry, upset, depressed. Why can’t I feel those emotions without also feeling guilt for feeling them? It’s okay if he’s angry, upset, or depressed, but Lord forbid if I am! I feel like I don’t belong here anymore. We’ve ended up so far from where we began. Too far. Now there’s this chasm between us. I don’t know how to bridge the gap. We aren’t even friends anymore. He used to be my best friend. We’re barely roommates. We pass in the kitchen and don’t even touch or talk. The only things we ever say to each other are when he talks about his job or hating this area, and I tell him that his mother called or ask him to please take something to the post office. These are things that I would talk to my grandmother about…not my lover. We should be discussing our future, planning for our own home, holding each other at night. Instead, he sleeps on the couch and leaves the bed to me and Molly. I get so lonely there, by myself. There’s no one to curl up next to when it gets cold.

I miss so many things about our relationship, but I think the thing I miss the most is our closeness. We were. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, and I know that that fades. It’s just the way things go. However, it shouldn’t fade that quickly. We’ve only been together for a little over two years. We should still be in the “honeymoon” phase. We used to lie on the couch together and watch movies. Of course, we couldn’t ever get through a whole movie. Instead, we wanted to kiss, and touch, and fondle. We didn’t have sex for nearly two months after we met, because we just didn’t think it was that important. I don’t even mind that we haven’t had sex in 7 months. What I mind is that we haven’t touched in as many months. He doesn’t act like he even misses it.