I Miss Us

There are so many things that are going wrong right now. I wish I could talk to him; I wish he would talk back. I keep everything inside because I never know if I should say anything or not. I never know if he’s going to find something in my voice, in my words, in my body language, that he finds offensive and blows up at me or starts punching more holes in the doors and walls. I want to yell. I want to scream. I want to plead with him to listen to me--to hear me. Instead, while he’s raging, I’m crying. I sit there like an idiot in front of him, speechless. What are you supposed to say when someone is talking about killing himself, or the neighbors, or when they’re punching or kicking holes in doors?
I know that he’s upset. I know all the reasoning behind his depression. It’s still no excuse to treat me like either I don’t exist at all, or like I’m not important to him. Sometimes I would rather he just let me go than put me through this kind of hell. I don’t want to be the one to say goodbye, but I’m coming closer and closer to the time when I have to make that decision…or else I’ll end up stuck here, in a loveless relationship with no hopes at all of ever getting married and starting a family. By the time I become smart enough to have the guts to leave, I’ll be too old. No one will want me. I’ll have to make due with what I have, and by that time, he’ll probably not want anything at all to do with me on a daily basis.

I need to feel loved. Instead, I’m accused of being angry, upset, depressed. Why can’t I feel those emotions without also feeling guilt for feeling them? It’s okay if he’s angry, upset, or depressed, but Lord forbid if I am! I feel like I don’t belong here anymore. We’ve ended up so far from where we began. Too far. Now there’s this chasm between us. I don’t know how to bridge the gap. We aren’t even friends anymore. He used to be my best friend. We’re barely roommates. We pass in the kitchen and don’t even touch or talk. The only things we ever say to each other are when he talks about his job or hating this area, and I tell him that his mother called or ask him to please take something to the post office. These are things that I would talk to my grandmother about…not my lover. We should be discussing our future, planning for our own home, holding each other at night. Instead, he sleeps on the couch and leaves the bed to me and Molly. I get so lonely there, by myself. There’s no one to curl up next to when it gets cold.

I miss so many things about our relationship, but I think the thing I miss the most is our closeness. We were. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, and I know that that fades. It’s just the way things go. However, it shouldn’t fade that quickly. We’ve only been together for a little over two years. We should still be in the “honeymoon” phase. We used to lie on the couch together and watch movies. Of course, we couldn’t ever get through a whole movie. Instead, we wanted to kiss, and touch, and fondle. We didn’t have sex for nearly two months after we met, because we just didn’t think it was that important. I don’t even mind that we haven’t had sex in 7 months. What I mind is that we haven’t touched in as many months. He doesn’t act like he even misses it.

When the Boat Sinks

It's funny how one thing...one simple, little thing...can make those hard decisions seem easy. I hadn't exactly made up my mind to leave him until yesterday. We were driving to Sherman on and errand. He wanted to buy a new smoker and there wasn't anywhere close enough that he was comfortable buying it from, so we drove for two hours to go to Academy. On the way there, he started hounding me about my credit. It's not great...but it's not bad. Since he has absolutely perfect credit, he gets nervous about mine. This is not, however, a conversation that two people should have inside of a car. There's no escape. When the anger builds and builds, neither of you can run away from it. You can't even let each other breathe for a minute. You can only roll the window down and pray to God that you end up in a car wreck, thereby ending the agony you feel at the moment.
He told me, quite forcefully, that he WILL be married one day, and he WILL have a child, and if I can't get my shit together, then it's NOT going to be with me. O.K.A.Y. Wow.

Honestly, who doesn't have a little debt these days? The economy sucks, you can't get loans for anything. The job market is horrible. I've got some bad news for him. I will probably have debt until I die. My student loans are already piling up at an alarming rate, and they will continue to do so for many years to come, since I plan on continuing my education into my PhD. I will ALWAYS be making a payment on something, whether it's those, or a car loan, or a mortgage. I can't pay cash for everything...hence...debt.

So, really the only thing I have left to say to him is.....when the boat sinks and he's standing on deck waiting to save up enough cash for a new one, I'll be swimming to the shore.

My list of mythical creatures: dragons, wizards, unicorns, trolls.....good men.

Online Friendship

I have a friend. I don't have many friends because most people don't "get" me. I have different ideas, morals and values than anyone else is used to. I'm also extremely kind, caring and generous. People generally aren't used to that. I'm articulate and express myself well. When I find someone that understands me, I usually jump at the chance to make a new friend.

Jeff is awesome. He's married with three little girls, and we hit it off immediately. We talk about books, movies, music and life. We seem to be on the same wavelength and usually finish each other's sentences. We just e-mail back and forth and talk on yahoo messenger. It's nice to have someone that seems to understand me, or at least sympathize with my situation. I know I've got my girl friends and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for them, but sometimes I need a guy's perspective...and Jeff provides that.

I like this new friendship. Even though we will probably never meet, it's nice to know that there's a man out there that actually gives a damn...when Matt doesn't.

Me, Molly, and the Vet

What a day yesterday was! Exhausting. I was up at 5:30 to have Molly to the vet by 8:00. We live an hour away, so it was even worse. It's not like I could just jump in the car and go. Did I pack a book to read while I'm waiting? Did I pack her water? Should I take her something to chew on? Do I need my checkbook or is a debit card okay? How the hell am I going to stay on my diet if I have to eat out all day long?

It was a nightmare. Molly did good, at least. Mommy was a wreck. I almost cried when the nurse took her away. I gave kisses and hugs, and told her I'd be right here when she woke up. She was in surgery until after noon. Then we still weren't allowed to see her until she was out of recovery, which was around 2:00. Since she was up and walking around, we were allowed to take her home an hour before they said we'd be able to. My baby heals fast! (I guess) She was pretty doped up on pain meds, and they had to put her on a heart rate monitor because of her breathing problems, but she came through just fine. I wanted them to check her ears, too, because they've been stinking. We found out she has mild otitis (which is a fancy doctor-word for ear infection) and we've got some lotion/drops to put in her ear twice a day. They also clipped her nails, so she got the full treatment. She's grown too! When they put her on the scale, she weighed 27.8 pounds! The last time we took her to the vet-when she got her rabies shot-she was only 15.
I feel so bad for her. She's sleeping next to me on the couch right now. I have to make sure that she doesn't run and jump and play. We don't want her to pull out a stitch or get a hernia. I have to carry her outside to go potty because she isn't supposed to access any stairs. She can't eat and drink excessively; only in small amounts. She slept right beside me all night long....mainly because I slept on the couch. She can't sleep in the bed right now because it's too tall, and I don't want her jumping down in the middle of the night and hurting herself. So, to make it more comfortable for her, I slept on the couch. Matt was so worried about her that he didn't even sleep in the bed, either. He unrolled his sleeping bag on the floor in the living room....so it was a regular family camping trip last night!

While Molly was in recovery yesterday, I went shopping. I found two pairs of jeans in a size smaller than I usually wear, so woo-hoo! I really AM losing weight! I also got a new shirt, two new books, a few goodies from Bath & Body Works and some scrapbooking supplies from Hobby Lobby. I need to get some pictures copied so that I can start some scrapbooks. I'm pretty excited about my goodies from yesterday, but the worry and stress over Molly is over-riding my excitement right now. Hopefully, once she starts feeling better I'll be able to fully embrace the excitement over my weight loss.